Jewish cowboys

Sep 29 2010, 7:30 PM ET
White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel will have a campaign team ready when, as expected, he announces Friday he's leaving Washington to run for mayor of Chicago. Unless Emanuel changes his mind at the last minute, which associates say is highly unlikely, he will return to Chicago as early as Sunday to begin to collect signatures necessary to put his name on the ballot next Monday.

A campaign manager has been hired, aides have a plan to get Emanuel on the ballot, and Emanuel has secured private commitments from several Chicago-based political consultants. Several people said they have been contacted by people representing Emanuel but have been asked not to disclose the contacts. Candidates need 12,500 signatures to qualify for the ballot, but in practice, they'll find twice as many.

gaelic_grl

"Step one, I want all of my straight male viewers to start hanging around in gay bars. Make friends with a gay man. Now you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. So you’re going to want the find one you really click with. Okay. It might seem like all the best ones are taken, but don’t get depressed. He’s out there. You’ll know him when you meet him.

Step two, make him fall in love with you.

Step three, move to California. Get a cozy little cottage in Venice Beach, maybe open an upscale dog grooming boutique. You’re good with business and Jonathan is amazing with animals. You meet his parents. He introduces you as his roommate. Tension! Really, Jonathan? It’s been two years. You have a fight. He apologizes, tells his parents and they’re not surprised. And they just want what’s best for the both of you.

Step four. You’re wine tasting in Sonoma. You stop at this great little antique place, hide a ring inside the roll top credenza he’s been eyeing for weeks. He opens it, bam, you drop to a knee and ask him to make you the luckiest man on earth. He says, of course, because you’re a catch.

Step five, stall. Do not, not set a date. Say you just want to wait until you’re financially stable. Say you can’t honeymoon in Bali in the summer because it’s monsoon season. Say anything. Just drag it out. Before you know it, six years have passed. You’re not getting any younger. He’s threatening to leave. You say, fine, fine, Jonathan, November 2nd IN Big Sur.

The day is perfect. It’s on the beach. White linen casual no shoes. Cupcakes instead of a cake. That’s fun. You let his cousin play the oboe. He’s not that good but it means the world to him. And as the sun is setting over the Pacific and you’ve recited your hand-written vows, the Rabbi asks, if you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, and you look into his eyes and say, “No way, ***, I am not gay!”. Yeah! So all that sex we had was straight sex!

It will destroy him. He will forever be embittered against the idea of marriage. Then your trap sprung, you turn on your heel, march right back up that aisle past your loved ones secure in the knowledge that he will never...

Be married to anyone. Certainly not you. And you can’t forget the look on his beautiful face when you told him. His eyes were like two dead birds. Oh, God. There’s only one person right now who can comfort him, and that’s you. But he will never talk to you again, and neither will his amazing mother Janet. What a pill. On Valentine’s day she sent him a bouquet of acorns. She loves him so much. What have I done?

Saved marriage, that’s what. Well done. And we’ve got to because those people don’t love each other like we do. Okay. Once your job is well done, you go find yourself a nice girl. Maybe one of those Russian mail order brides. That’s still legal, right?"

The next time you post an opinion in an online forum or a Facebook group message board, don't be surprised if you get a rebuttal from a federal employee.

The government is looking for ways to monitor online chatter about political issues and correct what it perceives as misinformation.

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